If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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