i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
