im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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