I can text with my tongue
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
you inspire me to be a worse person
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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