I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
you told grandpa to call you daddy
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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