I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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