Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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