After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Mom said you looked used
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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