I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize