who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
