im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
