I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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