it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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