Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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