i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
