It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
