I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
