you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
