She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize