well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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