i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
farters have to be the big spoon...
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
