Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
