how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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