Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
