How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
