I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Randomize
