I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Randomize
