I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
