I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
