I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
