Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
if only i could text you this smell
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Randomize
