and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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