we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Randomize
