He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
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