I haven't been this sober since birth.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
