One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
