You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
