Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
