Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Please don't give away my fajitas
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
