I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
