dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
