I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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