you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
