This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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