hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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