did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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