Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
