My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
