Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just invented taco cereal.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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