I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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