Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
