1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
