She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I don't deserve a penis
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
