I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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