I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
